back to the beginning

It is a bit crazy to be back in Kent. In some ways I could say that this is where it all began, and then again it could be said that it was something that was there all along. Something inside that wanted to escape, to get out, to run and never look back. Perhaps it is the wildness inherent in the soul of every man, or maybe something very unique to my own soul and being. Sometimes I feel that I am such a unique creature, something unlike anyone else I have ever met, and then others cross my path, new friends and individuals that force me to see that I am not alone in the world. That I am in fact very human and my desires are no different from anyone else, only that I have chosen to manifest them in different ways. I have said many times before that I want to die tomorrow in order to know what comes next, but in reality there are times in which I really enjoy life, that I would not give it up for anything. And yet, that uncertainty, that inability to know what comes next, that incessant, constant, eternal call to run that racks my brain and does not allow me to relax. I try at times to conform myself to the society that surrounds me, but I have no success. I keep running, and yet find myself standing in the same place. I ran around the world, found friends wherever I went, discovered that the outside world is only as hostile at the spirit that lies within the traveler. I found welcome, home, peace, friends, family, and ironically discovered that what was familiar soon became foreign indeed. Immersed as I was in the journey, and the desire to keep it going, to never stop and to run until I found that I could not run anymore. Perhaps this is the answer to life, to run and never look back. To find a partner with whom to share the race, and help distract from the eternal question that for this lifetime will remain forever unknown. What am I seeking? Peace? Perfection? Hope? Dreams? What are they and how do I know that they are mine? When I dream, everything else goes away. I leave the world for a while and forget that I even exist, then I awake to be born again.

What is this life? Where am I going? I think that I discover by doing, by running, by never stopping and continuing the eternal search. Perhaps I should have married earlier along, but then I would not be having all of this fun and running through the memories of Kent that hang over me so thickly even as I try to create new. I have always felt restricted, imposed upon, unable to work under the pressure of a typical program, boss, employer. I don't know but I just don't like it, and that's why I had to go. That's why I am as crazy as I am. If only you could see how I really am, you would never believe it. I can be affectionate, wild, crazy, untamable, uncertain, free, unavailable and everywhere all at once. Sometimes I write just to write and see what comes out, and read it later and laugh. This is my blog, I created it and no one will tell me how it should be written. It is a means for me to undrown myself and my worries, my preoccupations, doubts, thoughts, hopes and dreams! Life is a carnival! And I am the ferris wheel!

But in all seriousness, I am grateful for all that I took from Kent. All of the wonderful people that I met, that challenged and inspired me, and at the end showed me that my dreams, as crazy and wild as they were, were attainable, and that unless I chased them I would never be the person that I wanted to be. Yes I could have married, could have told myself that the crazy thoughts and inclinations I had were insane, and I needed to take a pill to calm down, or I could have done as I did, leave everything behind and run around until I had a great enough desire to return. I have not yet reached the point that I am comfortable with who I am, but I also don't sit still long enough to be uncomfortable with that person. I sometimes feel like the master's program was a daycare for me, where I had to go during the day and leave my childishness behind, and yet now here I stand, a very capable person with all of the knowledge that a master's program can impart to an individual who is everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and even when there, only half checked-in. And yet I did learn some things. I do have a gift and a talent, though I am still trying to figure out exactly what that is. I am versatile and painted into a corner. What is this place they call the United States? Crazy. How did I end up here? By virtue of the fact that I am here, I am able to share my stupidities on a blog through the computer that costs more than many people make in a year, in a cafe where I am drinking coffee made from beans for which farmers were properly paid, and yet how many go hungry despite the great deal of coffee that they produce for the coffee corporations of this nation?

Need I reign in the chaos? Yes, if ever I want to make any money and propel my life forward career-wise, and yet a little craziness can go a long way in certain places? Was I really a good professor, or lecturer I should say? Or was I just entertaining enough to keep my students from falling asleep at the wheel after leaving the room in which I let fly all of my experiences and understandings of the foreign language that now puts bread on my table?

All of this flows from a channel deep inside of me. Do each of us have such a channel? Do we all cling to the verge of sanity and yet yearn to yet our true selves show? is psychology a worthwhile science? Or am I able to manipulate the psychologists who think they know why I think the way I do. For me this is like a breath of fresh air that I have been waiting to take for a long time, meanwhile I swam beneath the surface of reality, breathing a mixture of oxygen and nitrogen that I kept telling myself was the real air, was the air that flows through the real world. And yet distortions in my vision told me that this is not really reality. That I am in fact conforming to a convention that has been established by many years of people doing the same things that come to be called customs and traditions. Wherein lies true freedom? In so conforming ourselves to society? Or in seeking to let fly the very essence of who we are that lies within and yearns to be set free, to climb to the highest heights of the possibilty of existence? Why do we allow ourselves to get caught up in the mere trivialities of life? Why religion, marriage, children, houses, payments, bills, bills, bills! These are not the essence of existence. Such an existence is to conform to mediocrity when we were meant for so much more. Life is about freeing the reality that lies within, that can transcend the reality that threatens to conform us to its reality, but our reality is the truth. Life starts inside and flows to what lies without, and not the other way around. I am not a product of society, my life is a product of how I interact with the world and what I do to change what lies around me. What can the world do for me? No, rather what can I do to change the world, to effect those around me for the greater good, to see beyond the everyday reality to what could be! Not to be content with life as it is, but to look beyond, to open my heart and mind to what I know to be true on some level of existence! Can it be done, or will I allow myself to submit and subscribe to the life that everyone ostensibly seems to accept? Do I describe reality, or rather am I describing a world that lies within me alone? Does anyone else understand what I describe? Do I write in a way that no one else has? Am I conforming by seeking to understand what lies within me alone? Am I selfish? Should I conform? What am I doing? What do I want to be doing?

The answers have yet to come, and I will be patient, but I will never stop searching, never stop seeking. The truth is yet to be found! Let us go forward seeking it to find it at last, and to find the peace that will propel us onward to the great works that still lie in our future. Let us live!